With Valentines fast approaching couples may be thinking about how to spend this very commercialized holiday.  However, the rest of the year could prove to be just a stagnate relationship.

When couples come to see me I often use the analogy of a car that has never or rarely received maintenance.  For some reason this example seems to be easier for couples to understand, then just simply saying that they have not maintained their relationship.  So, here is the example, if you never take your car for service, oil change, brake pads, change air filter, etc.  Then eventually you have a broke down car that needs a lot of repair, which will take time and money to get it back to where it needs to be to run smoothly and sometimes unfortunately it is determined that if the owner is not wanting to invest the time or money, the car is just junked and the owner moves on to buy another car.  However, if the owner does not recognize that he/she will need to change their behavior, than patterns repeat and you continuously have a broke down car.  So, if you do the routine maintenance your car will continue to run smoothly.  Now, this is a simplistic analogy to a relationship, but very similar in that you MUST do maintenance on your relationship to keep it running smoothly. 

Now, you maybe be asking what maintenance on a relationship  looks like- – well I am going to tell you.  First you must realize that romantic love, (this is the, I can’t stop thinking about you syndrome and the world is a better place) only last a few months:   This is very important to understand because I often hear couples say, “Well, I am not in love with him or her any longer.” After the romantic love phase passes, loving someone becomes a choice and effort.  So, sorry to disillusion those of you who feel that loving someone is just natural and should be blissful most of the time. What you feel from a relationship in the early months of dating may be quite different from what you are feeling after you have been together for some time. Anticipate that both you and your partner will change over time. Feelings of love and passion change with time, as well. Respecting and valuing these changes is healthy. Love literally changes brain chemistry for the first months of a relationship. For both physiological and emotional reasons, an established relationship will have a more complex and often richer type of passion than a new relationshipThe first step in this process is to recommit to your spouse/SO and realize that being in a healthy and happy relationship is work. 

Now I am going to give you some helpful tips to get your relationship re-energized:

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate—this is not just simply talking about the semantics of the day (childcare, work, household responsibilities, etc).  It is connecting on a deeper level, really checking in about the relationship and focusing on needs.  This means being vulnerable to the other person, and it is important to keep the conversation centered on the relationship.  You should be checking in at minimum once a month. Now, please know this is not always an easy task. You must feel safe to your spouse/SO for them to open up.

Plan Date Nights and Getaways—I often hear couples say we don’t have a lot of time.  I am not buying that.  YOU are not choosing to make time.  You must schedule and plan the date night or getaway or it will not happen.  Also, it does not have to cost money.  You can take a bubble bath or plan a romantic picnic in front of the fire place, just to name a few examples.  Yes, this will require you to have your children on a bedtime schedule (topic for another blog). You should always make sure that something is on the calendar for at least once a month, at minimum. This way you will have something to look forward to as a couple.

Be spontaneous with you intimate time and make sure it is scheduled.  Yes, I know this is a contradiction but let me explain. Find ways to spice up your sex life and not make it routine (staying inside the relationship).  Ok, this is one that couples never like to hear but if having a healthy sexual relationship is important, it must be scheduled.  Now, this does not mean that you can not be spontaneous when you have extra time (but remember- I often hear couples say we are so busy).  However, scheduling will help you stay connected, and you will be grateful you did schedule sex.  Yes, I said it schedule sex. This is just the reality of living a busy life.  If it is important you must make time, which means to schedule or it or it often does not happen. 

Gift Giving—since we are talking about re-energizing your relationship at Valentines Day, I know some of you are going to run out and buy a gift. Ok, but remember-though gifts and getaways are important, it is often the small, nonmaterial things that partners routinely do for each other that keep the relationship satisfying. So, give your gift some thought and make it creative.

Get Help—Even though I saved this step for last, it should never be considered the last option.  We go to the doctor, and we go to the dentist for check ups but sometimes we wait until it hurts.  Don’t wait until something hurts to get help. If you are feeling distressed about a relationship, you may wish to consider individual or couples counseling. Counseling can help you identify problematic patterns in your current relationship and teach you more effective ways of relating. If you are grappling with a relationship problem please consider counseling.
I hope that you have found these tips helpful and most of all I hope that this has motivated you to do what you need to do all year long for your relationship and not just on Valentines day. 

1. Remember that regardless of differences and the decision to part ways, you will both forever be parents of your children.  Their happiness, self esteem, and successes will be much greater when you minimize the differences between you.
2. Try to say positive things about the other parent when talking to your children.  This must be sincere because children will definitely be aware of a lack of genuineness. Be specific. Ex: ”Yes, that was very clever for Daddy to make up that game to play with you”. ”It sounds like you had a lot of fun joking with Mommy about that.  She is funny and I’m glad you laugh a lot with her.”
3.  Try to refer to your former partner as your child’s “mom” or “dad”  in the presence of your children, instead of using terms such as ex, exhusband, exwife.  This helps the child understand that your roles in their lives are for parenting, and not about your relationship or former relationship.
4. Try to refrain from competing with your former partner as it relates to your children – buying gifts, participating in activities, etc.  Do the things you would like to do for your children without worrying that the other parent may be doing more or having more fun.
5. Acknowledge the other parent often (don’t pretend the other parent doesn’t exist).  Stay positive when talking about the other parent and encourage the children  when they want to do something nice for the other parent.  Ask them if they would like to pick out a holiday gift/mother’s day/father’s day card or allow time for them to make one for them. 

Earlier this month, a news report caught my eye about President Obama not allowing his 10 and 13 year old daughters to watch the Kardashians’ reality show.  Other reports stated that the President also told one of the Kardashian sisters that he enjoyed watching the show.  Whether you agree or disagree with the President’s political policies, I hope to convince you that their family’s television viewing policy is one you want to adopt for yourself.

Television programming is nothing more than story-telling through a highly advanced device. As a therapist, I often use story-telling as a treatment tool but in a much more low tech way.  Story-telling is an effective way to teach life lessons in an easy to remember manner so that the lessons can be applied to many circumstances over time. The use of story-telling in therapy is based on social constructionist theory which states that all human actions can be viewed as an organized effort to create meaning out of personal experiences (Epston & White, 1990).  In other words, as we go through the daily events of our life, we basically author a story that ties these moments together and helps us make sense of our experiences.  The stories that we create strongly impact our actions, choices, and behavior while also influencing how we develop emotionally and cope with life challenges.

Although we know that most of the shows or stories the media convey are not truly ‘real,’ they continue to be quite influential in how we perceive ourselves, our values, and in how we author our own real life stories. In particular, those shows that market themselves as ‘Reality TV’ attempt to convince the viewers that the story portrayed is ‘real life’ when in fact only a small part of the show has any real component to it. Fortunately, as adults, we do have some safe-guards.  We have a large life history from which to filter what we see and hear from our media outlets and we have a greater ability to decipher what is actually realistic and what is highly unlikely and unrealistic.  Children however are more easily deceived by stories shown on television particularly by those that appear to be real.

If like our President, one of your guilty pleasures is enjoying the entertainment value of the occasional reality show, then that is fine as long as you keep it in perspective.  However, don’t let your children watch.  Reality TV is not appropriate entertainment for them.  These shows are teaching our children life lessons; Lessons that our children should never learn.

Anxiety Disorders are the number one reason people seek mental health assistance. The National Institute of Mental Health has estimated that about 30% of the population will suffer from an Anxiety Disorder at some time in their life.

Please use this Web Site to gain valuable information about Anxiety, Panic, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and Depression.

 What are the different types of Anxiety Disorders?

• PANIC DISORDER- Repeated episodes of intense fear that strike often and without warning. Physical symptoms may include chest pain, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, dizziness, abdominal distress, feelings of unreality, and fear of dying or a sense of impending doom.
• OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER (OCD) – Repeated, unwanted thoughts or compulsive behaviors that seem irrational yet impossible to stop.
• POST-TRAUMATIC STREES DISORDER- Persistent symptoms that occur after experiencing or witnessing a traumatic event such as rape or other criminal assault, war, child abuse, natural or human caused disasters, or crashes. The victim may experience nightmares, flashbacks, numbing of emotions, depression, panic attacks, generalized anxiety, dissociation, and feelings of anger, irritability, easy distractibility, and concentration problems.
• PHOBIAS- Two major types of phobias are social phobia and specific phobia. People with social phobia have an overwhelming and disabling fear of scrutiny, embarrassment, or humiliation in social situations, which leads to avoidance of many potentially pleasurable and meaningful activities. People with a specific phobia experience extreme, disabling, and irrational fear of something that poses little or no actual danger; the fear leads to avoidance of objects or situations and can cause people to limit their lives unnecessarily.
• GENERALIZED ANXIETY DISORDER (GAD) – Consistent, exaggerated worrisome thoughts and tension about everyday routine life events and activities, lasting at least six months, almost always anticipating the worst, even though there is little reason to expect it. People with GAD may experience frequent physical symptoms such as fatigue, trembling, muscle tension, headaches, nausea and the inability to relax.

Anxiety Disorders are now the number one reason people seek mental health assistance.

The national Institute of Mental Health estimates that anxiety disorders now affect 25 to 30 percent of the population. Think about that, one out of every four people may suffer from anxiety. About 40 million American adults are affected by these debilitating illnesses each year. Children and adolescents can also experience anxiety disorders but the symptoms tend to be more transient rather than persistent. So if you suffer with an anxiety disorder, the first thing to understand is that you are not crazy and you are certainly not alone. The most important fact to understand is that with proper treatment, anxiety disorders are quite curable, and typically respond to proper treatment in a relatively short period of time.

I have been treating people with anxiety disorders and related issues for the past 20 years. Every client who was willing to put forth an effort and followed my program has gotten better, and yes, that includes all of the people who feared they were going to be the one person that couldn’t be helped. My clients have ranged from people who have had the problem for years and years, gone from doctor to doctor, and had every test imaginable done to them; to others who were simply diagnosed early after the onset of the problem. So, the main idea is not to feel alone or hopeless, and get started as soon as possible on “fixing” this problem.

Understanding Anxiety

The first step in treatment is to understand the nature of anxiety, were does it come from? Why do humans have the ability to feel anxiety or panic attacks? An anxiety, or panic attack, is a defense mechanism sometimes referred to as the “fight-or-flight response.” This reaction is our body’s way of protecting us if we are faced with a very dangerous or a life threatening situation.

When we are truly in a life threatening situation, our heart begins to beat rapidly and we begin to breathe quickly, which is designed to pump more blood and oxygen to our arms and legs, preparing us for battle or escape. Our adrenaline is released in order to increase our strength and speed. We perspire to become slippery for escape purposes. And our hearing and eyesight become more acute and we become more aware of our surroundings, and at this point, we are on what is referred to as “Red Alert”. Other symptoms we may experience such as: light headedness, dizziness, shakiness, jumpiness, tingly, tightness in the chest and light or sound sensitivity are all by products of the rapid changes our body goes through with a panic attack.

 An anxiety disorder is when a person is physically responding in this type of fashion with the absence of a truly threatening situation. It is very important to realize that our bodies are designed to be able to have a panic attack for defense purposes. In no way is a panic attack ever physically harmful. It makes no logical sense to think that we would be constructed in a way to have a defense mechanism for protection that would in turn hurt us. So as frightening as a panic attack may feel, the attack itself, and the related physical sensations, are not dangerous by any means.

It appears that some people are born with a genetic predisposition towards developing an anxiety disorder. However, there is also a strong environmental, learned component to it. In most cases, the first experience with a panic attack is usually during a time of high life stress. This is not to say that the stress causes the panic disorder but your emotional resistance may be lowered because of it, which allows the anxiety disorder to reveal itself.

When we begin to experience an anxiety disorder our thoughts tend to interpret certain situations as life-or-death situations when it truly is not. Our bodies can’t determine if our thoughts are valid or not, so our anxiety mechanism is then triggered. Once this inappropriate anxiety reaction occurs, we develop a new set of fears: the fear of another anxiety attack. This is when the Anxiety Cycle begins.

What is an Anxiety Disorder?

Everyone experiences anxiety in their life to one degree or another but it is in relation to life events and is for the most part, appropriate to the situation. In fact if your anxiety is within normal limits it is actually a positive emotion because it alerts you to the fact that something in your life needs attending to. Perhaps there is something in your life that you have been procrastinating about, be it, making an unpleasant phone call or paying bills for instance. Your anxiety could also be a sign that you are behaving in a way that is outside of your value system or engaging in reckless behavior. This is when our anxiety “tells” us to correct this situation in order for the anxiety to dissipate.

If you have an anxiety disorder however, your anxiety tends to be disproportionate to your life situation. We may also experience panic attacks with many unpleasant physiological sensations along with irrational worry-thoughts and a general sense of ‘impending doom.’ These panic attacks may occur repeatedly over time or we may be left with a general, constant state of worry thoughts that are extremely difficult to control. This situation can begin to affect our sleep, appetite and general mood, leading us to a constant feeling of hopelessness, poor concentration, and even depression.

If this anxiety state persists for more than a few days without being related to a traumatic life event, it is a healthy idea to seek a professional evaluation. Left untreated, it will most likely get worse or it may seem to go away for a little while before returning, (usually at a time of increased stress).

The good news is, anxiety disorders respond very quickly to proper treatment and you can be back in control in a relatively short period of time, as long as you are willing to put in the effort required. Proper treatment will include: Cognitive Restructuring, Behavior Therapy, Desensitization, Relaxation Training, Breathing Training, Biofeedback, and in some cases, temporary use of Medication.

Before going further get a card or piece of paper about 3 X 5 inches.  On it write down your heart’s desire.  Put it aside to be used later.

The other day I was at my married sister’s house.  She has a husband and two children.  She asked if I would like some coffee and cookies and I said that I would.  When she went to retrieve the cookie package from the top of the refrigerator the package was there but there were no cookies.  “Who ate the last cookie?—and left the package?” she demanded.  Dear Reader, this doesn’t happen at my house.  The package may be empty but I know who ate the last cookie.   I live in single time.

Let’s consider the concept of treasure.  Treasure by its definition is something of value that can be hard to find.  I want to alert you to four blind spots that make finding the treasures I am going to talk about difficult.

First, there is the blind spot of over familiarity.  Over familiarity is the condition of taking a person, the workplace, the usual route to work, the usual grocery store, whatever so for granted that we do not see what is new or what is valuable to us.

Second, there is the blind spot of preoccupation.  When we become too busy we forget to look up, look around to see what is around us that might give us another perspective, another alternative.

Third, there is the blind spot of expectation.  If our expectations are too rigid we may not find something of value because we see only what we expect to see in a particular place at a particular time.

Fourth, there is the blind spot of heart/mind set.  Having our hearts and mind too focused on just one thing blinds us to what else is there.  We are like a birthday child in the midst of a wealth of presents in tears because one of the things that was requested is not in evidence.

So. . .we may be blind to the treasures of single-time, because, often, if we are single, what we most desire is to be coupled. I said that there are Seven Treasures.  There may be more, however, these are the ones I have discovered in my life and by listening to clients and friends.

Treasure One.  This is the opportunity to learn to care for ourselves.  Sometimes, having a partner insulates us from the hassle of learning important skills.  If we are weak in a life skill or if the partner has superior skill or interest we leave it to Harriet or to Harry.  If we were married at some time we may have divided chores along traditional gender lines.  Being single is a time to stretch your skill set into heretofore undeveloped areas.

Learn to cook well.  Learn to cook a meal you would be proud to serve friends. Learn to provide yourself a welcoming home.  Someone important lives there.  You! Learn how to provide yourself with clean clothes with a minimum of hassle.
Learn what your automobile needs and when.  Take care of it. Learn to take care of yourself financially.  A friend of mine, a financial broker, tells me that at least once a week she meets a woman, usually widowed, who has never written a check and isn’t sure where the financial records are.  Now, in the midst of her loss, she must try to learn to care for herself financially.  This, at the beginning of the new millennium.  Learn to care for your money so that it can care for you.

Treasure Two.  Treasure Two is the chance to develop a wide circle of friends.  Sometimes being in a relationship limits our friendships for many reasons; two big ones are lack of time and the possibility that our partner does not like the friend or the friend’s partner.

Treasure Three.  Treasure Three is the chance to pursue our interests unencumbered.  Bird watching, politics, chess, writing poetry, rock climbing, sky diving, whatever.

Treasure Four.  Treasure Four is the chance to pursue education or professional goals single-mindedly.

Treasure Five.  Treasure Five is a big one.  On a highway once, I saw a sign that stuck with me and applies to a lot of circumstances in life.  It said, “Give gap; Take gap.”  Many people are very good at one or the other.  If you’re a giver, learn to ask for what you want and need.   If you’re a taker, learn to observe what others need and provide it—in person, if possible.

Treasure Six.  Treasure Six can be fun.  It is the time to exercise self indulgences that have to be negotiated in relationship.  Read all night, eat crackers in bed, wear funky socks, get up at dawn and sing, keep the house as impeccably clean as you like.  Read the newspaper in whatever order pleases you.  Watch whatever TV shows interest or entertain you.  You can even get rid of the TV if it suits you.

Treasure Seven.   Treasure Seven is saved for last because it may be the best one of all.  It is not exactly dessert because it is hard.  I believe that complex things; rocket science, brain surgery, a perfect soufflé; are relatively easy.  Absolutely, it is true that they take study and practice.  Nevertheless, it is the simple things that are really hard.  If it can be stated in four words or less then it takes a lifetime to do well.  Be honest.  Be modest.  Be fair.  Love others as yourself.  And the biggest, know yourself.  Single time is a good time to define or further discover who you are.  21 and you’re done, is a misconception.  Who you are keeps changing because you keep adjusting in the face of your dynamic world.  School, jobs, faith, family, friends, partners, children, pets, health, location, current events, technology.  Know what your core beliefs are.  Can you say them out loud?  Do you practice them?

Now, think again about those blind spots discussed at the beginning. Over familiarity, our daily lives are so familiar to us that we don’t take time to see the treasures that are tucked here and there.  In a book as a bookmark I recently found a poem written by a friend who died a few years ago.  There it was, a treasure right in the middle of my day.  There are treasures of single time tucked into every day that could be missed if we are not ready to overcome the trance of over familiarity.

Preoccupation, out too-busy-ness goes right along with over familiarity.  But preoccupation is a little different in that it denotes that we don’t expect to find treasure in the midst of what we are doing.  Interrupt yourself once in a while and look around.

Not the right place/expectation is the twin of preoccupation.  As Jon Kabat-Zinn states in the title of his book, Wherever You Go, There You Are.  All places are the right place to find a treasure.

At last, the blind spot of having your heart set on one thing.  Find the card or paper on which you wrote your heart’s desire.  Hold it front of your eyes about one inch from the end of your nose.  Notice what you can see.  Now, move it out about five inches.  Notice how much more you can see.  Now, hold it out at arm’s length.  Be aware of how much more still that you can see.  You can always hold your heart’s desire while you are aware and appreciative of what else the universe is providing you.

Disclaimer:
This blog is not a substitute for your therapist.  If you are seeking help, please